Ming

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"Sometimes we fall down, can’t get back up
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say I love you enough
Till it’s to late, it’s not too late

Our hearts are hungry for the food that won’t come
We could make a feast from these crumbs
And we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you
What would you wish you would’ve done

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we left for out our lives
So when we long for absolution
There’ll no one on the line

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying oh - like we’re dying [x2]

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live - like we’re dying

you never know a good thing till it’s gone
You never see a crash until it’s head on
why do we think we're right when we’re dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it’s gone

Yeah… gotta start
Lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start livin it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying oh - like we’re dying [x2]

We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying
Live like we’re dying"

Whenever I deal with my own computer, it ends up taking hours of my time. Mainly because I am impatient, because when I format...I want it done properly and completely install everything. But it is going well so far.

I do have a lot of work ahead, but I know there is more than enough time for me to do it all. The thesis will have to wait...but that is ok. 18 credits from completing my requirements. So within a year.

I am fighting off WoW urges. It can still get a hold on me but eh.

I tried to sleep early last night and even took sleeping pills. Then got up early but half way through the day, I got really tired. Guess I am not used to being up so early yet. And this computer thing got me staying up late.

I think the government should impose a tax or fee of sorts to the companies that take advantage of disposable items as a source of income. The idea of making disposable items is a great way to make money because there is this constant need to buy...well, using that tactic, they have in turn contributed to the waste accumulation. So the government should tax the companies a fee equal to their sales to help recycle or process those waste materials. Why use everyday citizens' tax money to process all the waste when the companies have a direct affect on how much waste is being produced. So that is just a random idea I had a couple weeks back...but am too lazy to look into if such things already exist. Because I was thinking about McD...how issues were brought up when they used to use styrofoam for everything.

Slightly disappointed in Bleach's new episode this week...lots of talking and not enough action and or story development.
Also not very happy about Naruto's episode...or lack there of. Again, they say 1 hour special Naruto in two weeks...well if they skip a week and they are only 30 min episodes...really there is nothing special...just making us wait longer.

Called the exterminator again...This coming Tuesday.

Ben left me with presents...moths...well I hope they are all dead by now but...I found a jacket with holes in it...not too happy about it. First three of my favorite shirts...now a favorite jacket. I should really check my expensive stuff to see if any got ruined. Oh well, I guess I will get to it when I see them.

I am tired enough to sleep early....might work. MIGHT.

I started watching the show GLEE on hulu.com...at first I thought it would be a crappy show. But then it turns out quite good. I never knew that GLEE club is show choir...and maybe that is why I like it, because I was in it in high school. So I am happy that it is another show I look forward to every week now.

Another show is Naruto but they are having a side story for the next two weeks which takes away from the action of the main story. I think the reason I dont like that idea of throwing in side stories is because I am impatient and want to see the main action.

Same thing is happening to this other anime show, BLEACH. But the side story is actually quite good...USUALLY their side stories have action in it too, but there were some drama that was purely talking which was more of a bore.

I guess Merlin on hulu as well as Burn Notice is on a break or something...did not see any new episodes for at least the last week or two.

Now to find someone with HBO that lives in the city so I can watch true blood's last episode!

Yes, I am an idiot.

I am not happy with how the apartment is setup. I do not want my desktop anymore. My apartment needs full cleaning. I am officially going to put away my desktop and the two monitors. Instead of throwing money to the problem, I am just going to consolidate and minimize what I own. Originally I was going to bring the desktop upstairs but then I would need a stronger router and a wireless card for my desktop up here since a cord will be ugly. I dont like my dinning table so I was thinking of getting a smaller table...but in all reality, I just need to store my desktop and the desk and put the dinning room table there.

Life is a balance. It is about the self and yet it is about others, dead and alive. I realized I have been too cooped up and too anti-social in my ways. I am done playing video games on my computer where it takes up countless hours of my life. I am putting the computer away anyways...most games I play cant be played on the mac anyways...so good bye. I need to go out in the world and 2 hours at the gym should not be the only social interaction I have with the outside. I have decided that after my Final, I am going to take steps into signing up for the dance class once to see how I like it. If I enjoy it enough, then I will definitely sign up for more classes. Then I am going to go and sign up for sign language classes just to learn something new. So aside from class Monday, Wednesday and Thursdays...I will have dance class on Tuesdays....so I have time to maybe do more out doors things too. I am also considering volunteering at the hospital. Tomorrow I have to sit down and figure out when the sign language classes are offered and work out a schedule. I also want to volunteer so I need to fill out the paper work. So I am bettering myself but also putting myself out there in the world. I can be cooped up in my own apartment and be all safe and better myself all I want but then I am lacking social interactions and limiting myself to myself.

Another step I need to take is also not to be up this late anymore. I need to wake early and go to bed early. Staying up this late in this city in my situation has only shaped and is shaping the lonely life. I need to change my environment.

It is not about all the bad things that has happened to us...or even all the bad things we did...it is about the now knowing, knowing now of our actions...taking and owning up to our actions. We should not allow the hate or distaste of all the bad things people did to us or of all the shameful things we did in the past to affect us negatively in the present or the future. To be open fully to just being, we must forgive, ourselves included.

We cant all choose what happens to us but we can choose to start from a clean slate so that all that negativity from the past stays in the past.

Here is me dumping all that negativity here and now...so that I will no longer feel anger or a sense of loss for the past, so that I can live my life for the now and the future.

I went to the gym, worked out...then went to the locker room to wash up. I took my socks off and put them in the locker. When I came back to put my shoes back on...I had a missing sock. I locked the locker after I took my socks off and threw them in the locker. So, somehow, I lost a sock. I still cant find it...I went through all my stuff in the locker and still missing. I am rather perplexed...

Those you've known...and lost, still walk behind you...
Those we meet and get to know, closer than just an acquaintance, are a part of us. For good or for bad, we are shaped. And I look back and I notice the traits of some of the former people that has become my shackles. A true yearning like an open field to a dog still exists but knowing that it is a barbed fence away. But the open field is not other than another fenced field, that is not better or greater than.

I feel a change...I feel the need to change. I dont want to chose the wrong path...but I need a change. I am living comfortably...but it is not withing my own efforts. One of the things I promised myself is...IF Belle is not pregnant, which i will be making a vet appointment for...but if she is not pregnant, I will go apply to an agency that can put me into research jobs. Try and test out the waters to see what I can do with my life in a research environment. But if she is pregnant...I will have to wait another 3 months before I can apply.

So that is the first step...does not mean much other than to see some of the possibilities. \

I am overall not satisfied with where I am in my life right now. I dont have a sense of direction... I need one... I want one... I feel like I closed my eyes and spun around in circles...am so dizzy in life.

I kind of wish there were sites I can just click to and read on people's random thought and their logic behind it. I have heard many people talk today and I have learned quite a few things from them...things that I dont even know if I would have thought about. It shows how truly different we all are but that does not mean we are not able to learn or associate with.

Well, I should be going to bed...meant to go to bed early and now it is 5:30...yay.

I have not gone to the gym in two weeks now I think...damn test week got to me and I was down for the count a whole week. Anyways, I got a 96!!!...second highest grade in the class. Only two more tests and no final...so I hope I do as good as I did on this past test. I need to start reading school work again.

Toby is definitely growing on me...he is just so cute.

We really are creatures of memory. It is true our experiences shape us but our memories are really what keeps us who we are. If we could erase our memories...or if someone else could, how do you think we would turn out? Granted it would erase the non-innate parts of our memories...like eating, walking and talking. I am just talking about memories of our name, who we are...where we are from. We would be different...yet it would show us our innate self...the self without the tinge of negativity or even enlightenment. We would truly know how we really are...but that does not really define us. My point is that our experiences which are then stored into our memories...is a HUGE building block of our personality foundation, without it, our foundation would be different. I dont think it is even a point or argument, but a fact.

So with that, the next step is...what the hell does that have to do with day to day life. I look around and I could see the beauty of life...of people..even those people some or most may consider disgusting. I get touched when I see the aspects of people that are like gems. And it is really heart felt. And this is what is most dangerous than a lot of other encounters or experiences. Some asshole comes to me and curses me out is one thing....people can brush it off easily by saying, oh he was an asshole. But this other instance, we start to relate to it on a personal level...we associate with it hence we get "touched" by what we see. :: Getting to the point :: After witnessing such an occurrence, we walk away with a memory of it. NOW...if we viewed this gem and thought how horrible their conditions are...we feel bad and guilty. Nothing wrong with empathizing but if we walk away with some sort of negativity...something that drags us down, even if it is just feeling bad or helplessness...we in essence have just smeared whatever it is onto our shoulders and are carrying it with us. Yeah, one or two wont make a difference...but again, creatures of habit we are...if we do it a couple of times...we are likely to do it more often. There comes a point in which the negativity would weigh us down that it would affect our moods...we could potentially be unhappy even though there is nothing bad or wrong that has happened to us to warrant sadness. (Back to the idea of repetition in reality...how one formula for kinetics can be changed a bit and applied to calculate electricity or thermodynamics or gravitational pull) We should walk away on a positive note... ADMIRE and maybe even work towards that gem that we see in people or situations...instead of feeling plain bad and let that wear on us, no matter how tiny it affects us...when combined, it can knock us down.

Yeah, I was going to post about my experience in this game and the more I went into detail to try and explain the circumstances, the more I realized how I was wasting not only my time but those who would read it. So I am just going to leave out the details. I just find it funny how people are so blind...that when they do something it is all fine and dandy...when you do something similar, it is a bitching storm. They have no clue that what they are bitching about is something they do too. So I just hope that I can come out of this a wiser person. I have already learned to just bare it while it is happening because it can just be fuel to the flames. Unless they are really persistent...then it is a different story.

I am nervous about my classes. First time ever going in knowing no one and it is going to be like that for many more classes. The classes I will be going to will be classes other degree graduates and medical professionals will be taking. Nursing school students...so I wonder If I do go to nursing school if I could transfer these over.

Iphone works again. I had a weird thing happen to it and after two days of trying with customer support and a replacement...just glad it works again.

Well, I got accepted and I am fully registered as a graduate student at Thomas Jefferson University. This time I think I will actually do the work and put my all into it. So out with the old habits...well, I am not sure if they are old habits or just better understanding about my self and things.

But I noticed LJ is not what it used to be. I came on primarily for me to put my thoughts but also to catch up on other people's thoughts. I am not that kind of social elite to know many people or talk and ask about if they blog...and surely my friends' page is more bare and bare. Reasons maybe because of other sites or personal sites...since I been out of the dorm/college scene, I have been out of the loop of what is most popular as far as blogging goes. I remember ICQ...then a crap load more spawned...YAHOO and AIM...even AIM is getting a kicking to Gmail Chat...but I dont know what is currently the most popular and used one...just an example of shifting trends in programs...so I assume it applies to blogging.

My parents are visiting...main reason is because I have not seen them for almost a year now...needless to say I have not seen my brother for more than a year I think. But another reason is because there is the possibility they are here to buy me a new car here. My car is in need of major repairs and it is going to cost more than the book value of the car. So like the common trend with my parents, I think they will want to replace the car before it becomes more of a liability. The problem....to explain the new dog. :-/ Oops I bought a dog?

Tomorrow is the orientation...where I go in and meet my fellow class mates. I am rather excited and nervous...I wont have anyone that I know there to just keep each other company...and I am not the openly social person to easily make new friends.

The other good news...I am now under a school that gets discounts from APPLE STORE!!!!

Ben was watching the Devil Wears Prada...and it made me want to buy and wear more fashionable clothes.

I finally got the iphone...well, I had it for two days now...but forgot to post.

I got an email about interviews for graduate school here in Philly.

The new dog is being stubborn about learning commands and potty training.

I am still playing WoW...maybe a little too much but I have plenty of free time.

This is my attempt at making it short to the point, leaving actual details but a summary.

And it is bed time...

I went to the gym again and had a descent work out. On the one hand I guess I should be complimented of the guys checking me out back and forth. But I felt a bit creeped out because I am there to work out, not to pick up guys. But so far so good. I been eating healthy too and been to the gym 6 of 7 days this past week. I am going to try and keep that up. I have been looking leaner and more defined.

I was watching tv in the gym and they were talking about the gay marriages in LA. The older guy went off on a rant saying that the basis of America is family values. And that without family values as the foundation, America will collapse. At this point I was like, ok go on. Then he goes on saying that these gay marriages threaten the family values of America and therefore threaten America itself. And he is very thankful that the supreme court will come to a vote to hopefully over turn the few judges in LA that allowed such a thing to pass in the first place. I was like WoW...could you be any more ignorant? I look around and in the American society there are a lot of dysfunctional straight marriages...are those the family values? I see Children being abused and raped by their straight marriage parents...are those family values? You see spousal beatings in the household as just the tip of domestic abuse...are those family values? So nice that people will tag all the negatives and just point at the gay marriages as a scapegoat. Because apparently no gay marriage household can instill anything positive. People are just ignorant and over simplify, which only shows their stupidity. Gay or straight marriages has nothing to do if the family will have good values.

I watch anime online when they are uploaded after being aired in Japan...what gets me is they have a 30 min show every week. Then they bust out the 1 hour special!!! But the special is being aired two weeks after the last show. Not much of a benefit...the rate of the show is still the same...30 min a week...or 1 hour for 2 weeks.

I am excited...Tuesday I will get the keys to the new place. The two things that worry me would be if the place will be very hot or not because it is on the top floor and has a lot of windows with the sun facing in. But then I lived in an apartment being the top floor and sun going in yet it was fine. The second thing is repairs...if the dishwasher or the ac unit broke...I dont see it in the contract as being the landlord's responsibility to fix it. :-/ I need to find out.

Ok, time for bed.

My mom is at home now. Still weak from the whole thing but the good news is she is feeling better.

I reread what I typed before and had to make some changes because I am realized I was using really bad grammar. Statements that made me sound rather asian... like "me no likey" Of course I did not say that but to that affect.

I am sitting here debating on whether I should even bother going to the beach. Perfect weather and I am up early enough. Then I started thinking...go to the beach by myself...where I sit in the radiation so I can get darker? I think it would be more fun with friends. So I think I wont go. The bright sunny day, with almost no clouds in the air. Instead...I think I will go eat and shop somewhere.

Time to shower and get ready...

I made an instant decision to fly down to Miami this weekend...the longest stay in a few years too from my usual 3-4 days every other month or so. It has been like 3 months or so since my last visit. But this time it is different. My mom is in the hospital. And it pisses me off actually what happened.

She was sick for days and had symptoms that matched that of having meningitis, well not all of them. So the doctor at palmetto hospital suggested a spinal tap. Not one hour after the spinal tap, they sent her home with three bottle of pills to take. For 3 days after, she could not eat or drink anything and was in great pain. She called the doctor at the hospital and they insisted on her just keep trying to take her pills (obviously not paying any mind to the constant throwing up and lack of food and water for THREE DAYS!) I told her to go to another emergency room than that hospital. My parents called 911 and was rushed to another hospital, since it was already the 4th day my mom has yet been able to eat and drink even water. She goes in and they noticed she had a spinal fluid leak from the spinal tap. SHe had low everything that comes with malnutrition from lack of eating and drinking from being ill from the spinal tap. They immediately hospitalized her and put her on an IV drop and few other pills to try and build up her blood composition. They had to fill her spinal fluid up from extracting from some other aprt of her body. ( not too clear on what happened here )

So now, I am in Miami...going to visit my mom everyday in the hospital.

I will start to say Bitch instructor. I went to class today fully knowing I was sick and id not want to go in...BUT attendance is mandatory, we have an assignment to turn in AND we have a quiz in class today. I decide to go to class and do all that work. We usually do hands on trades where one person works on another and then we swap. Well, we are about to begin the trades so I go up to my instructor and ask her if I can sit out of the trades cause I am sick and dont want to make others sick but I would stay if there are things I can do to help like setup of the massage tables and such. She practically lectured me infront of class and told me that I should have been responsible enough to not show up to class and risk infecting other people. I was shocked. There is a reason I went to class and why I asked NOT to work on anyone or be worked on. The class is looking at me and I respond "but attendance is mandatory and we had work to turn in" to which she just reiterates I should have stayed home. She just looks away and that was it. She could have just said "oh yes Ming, you can not work on anyone in your condition and you can go home if you like." But no...

I think it is linked to her disliking me because four classes ago, we learned "myofacial release." Fascia of one part can affect some other body part, so that is the concept. Releasing one part might help release else where. We learn techniques to release the different muscle groups. Well, the class was taught with very affirmative statements like, "this technique is just great...it will release xy and z so they will feel amazing." To me, it felt like a miracle cure pitch line. I still sat there and learned the techniques and still practiced them with all intentions it would work. On one day she asked if anyone had questions, concerns or challenges...well, I was honest and said I lack faith in it. And I explain what I mean, I get the idea, I get the techniques but I dont know if it works cause I never had the work done on me and saw results. I mean, isnt that what faith is? Believing in something that cant be proven concretely? She was mad, she lectured me about that I have to have an open mind that closing my mind off to it will make it not work. That I need to be more accepting of things that I may not understand. All along I was doing everything she taught and doing the homework assignments to practice on others. I never once said I dont believe it can work, I just have not seen proof personally that it does work. And so we have progress reports and she made this really nasty comment on it. That I need to not be so closed minded or else it is all a waste of time.

YET, I have an A in the class cause I passed all my tests and do all my homework... Maybe she felt insulted I did not have faith in something she is teaching and has a career in but to blow up like that and hold it against me is not just unprofessional but not good overall. I never said it does not work. I just have not seen results to make me a firm believer that it does all that. Here is an idea...she could actually try to prove how affective it is by doing a treatment on someone, does not even have to be me. I even said I would be willing to pay for one of her 80 dollar an hour treatments...but her schedule is booked. I also got the "well, if you are not open minded of the work, you wont gain from the work." Open minded does not mean believing blindly at everything...it means to not dismiss things without taking a look or try. I mean, I do believe in energy work with chi and a lot of other "non-traditional" medicine. I know chi actually works cause I can feel it and I can see results without knowing the basic science of how energy can be transferred from the palms of one person to the body without even touching. I mean scientifically, it is hard to prove it does anything but I know it works cause I can feel it.

I think the thing here is that my instructor needs to be more understanding. More over, people needs to be more understanding. A lot of things people say and do are just dumb in the circumstances...if only people took a second and looked at things from the greater perspective.